Oh what a sad, sad week that was. Our Capitol invaded. So many in Congress failing to stand up for what is right. What have we become? Or have we been this way all along and only now is the truth becoming more obvious? I wonder.
Even people who share the same faith I have have horrified me by things they right. I think that’s what cuts the deepest. I don’t know what to do with this. So I’m pondering and puzzling and aching. All at the same time.
I wonder why I choose friends that make me feel do very bad about myself. I suspect it’s because, deep down (or not that deep) I know I don’t deserve to feel good about myself. I know I’m a pretty rotten person. I know my heart. I’ve done such awful things and thought even worse things. But still, I wonder about these friends who cause me to know just how awful I am.
I think, right now, I need a cheerleader. I don’t know any of those folks, it seems.
Update: right after posting this pathetic thing someone sent me a message that was tremendously encouraging. (Hm. Do people actually read this? Was that what he was responding to? Eek! I thought no one read this little blog.) Anyway, if you DO read this, Dave, I apologize for being such a baby, but thank you for your extremely kind words.
Journaling time again …
I’ve been pondering forgiveness recently. I haven’t figure it out completely yet, it seems! For instance, do you forgive someone who has never asked for forgiveness? If they don’t believe they have wronged me — or don’t know I know they have — do I forgive them? It seems the forgiveness, then is more for me than them … but maybe I’m wrong about that. I know if someone asks and then repeats the offense again and again I’m still called to forgive (70 times 7, right?). That’s quite the challenge!
But sometimes a person (or persons) has done something tremendously harmful (even life changing for me) and they have absolutely no clue I know about it. I don’t want to bring it up with them because, honestly, I just think it’s not helpful at all. But do I forgive the offender(s)?
Just puzzling.
What a sad post I wrote. Then I went on a walk. I’m feeling better now. I need to get over myself!
This journal is also rather unnecessary (no one sees it but me as far as I know), but maybe good for me so I see just how much I whine!
And I typed “how much I wine” first … hm. But today is a non-drinking night, so no wine today (or tomorrow). We are making sure we don’t drink alcohol every night, especially during Covid Times. It’s too easy to fall into a drinking trap, I think. (But I must say, I can now only have one drink and I’m DONE … my body just doesn’t like more most days.)
Today it’s hitting me: while the vaccine is out for some, it’s not for me for a number of months. Nothing will change in my life for quite some time. I’m still home. I still can’t travel. I have to wear a mask when I go out. And I’m just weary.
In addition, I’m still struggling with the idea of what being a friend means. When someone says or does something tremendously harsh and ends with “I love you,” I simply don’t know how to process that. Currently I’m just feeling somewhat betrayed.
But life goes on. For now at least. Honestly, I’m rather ready for death. I’ve done all I need to do: my kids are raised and are doing well on their own. I’m married to someone so very independent I know he’ll be absolutely fine without me. There truly is no one who needs me at all.
Then again, I want to travel! It’s rather difficult to do that when one is ashes!
So … well … okay … never mind about that death bit for now. Guess I’ll try to do my best to stay healthy and be patient for my vaccine moment(s).
I don’t know if I’ll ever figure out what a true friend is. Nor do I think I’ve ever been good at friendship. Right now I’ve been pondering friends who don’t keep confidences. It cuts me to the quick.
It looks as if we are in for some very bad Covid Times here. Our county has now closed down more things. I’m glad, but I’m not sure if those who haven’t been behaving will change. I’m not sure what they’re thinking. Would they say this is all a hoax? Just a “flu” (someone I know DID repeat that pathetic line recently). Do they think they are immune? It’s just a mystery to me.
Meanwhile Dan and I are staying home. We order or groceries and have them delivered. We haven’t been IN a store for eons. We wear masks. And some people tease us or roll their eyes.
But there are bad times coming and we will continue to live the way we are living. I want to get through this and be able to travel again. I’ll wait for a vaccine. And I will try very hard not to get to angry about those who seemingly simply don’t care about anyone else. But I doubt I’ll do well at that.
**Update:
I guess this didn’t post yesterday when I thought it did. I sure am having tons of computer woes! But meanwhile I went on to Facebook (as always) and it’s as if there are two worlds right now. Some people are sheltering in place, wearing masks, and doing what they can to avoid getting or spreading Covid, but others … well … partying, visiting with family, going out with others … this is simply a MYSTERY and a bit terrifying about people. The selfishness and/or denial is mind boggling.
I am a disappointment to someone and now I’m going to be dealing with guilt for a while. I hate when this happens.
I think I should live in a cave. With a refrigerator. And chocolate. And a nice bottle of red wine.
Note to self: STOP expecting things in return. Give freely or don’t give.
Living in these Covid times
I thought I’d skip my silly rhymes
but how can I choose to ignore
the day when I turn 64?
