I was back to work today at symphony. People are posting about how great it was to be back.
I only want to cry.
I think it’s pretty clear I’m ready to retire.
Of course it doesn’t help that the ONE NOTE OF IMPORTANCE that I had I totally bombed on. Really. ONE NOTE. I’m just out of shape when it comes to playing with others. It’s one thing to play in one’s own room, and very much another to play under the conductor’s baton, where I can’t be in charge of time.
So I’m embarrassed, and I’m very, very sad.
I’ve never felt good enough. Ever. I’ve always been “less than”. And I’m tired of it. I’ve been faking it for nearly 45 years when it comes to music. Sometimes I’ve been okay. Shoot, sometimes I’ve even been good. But mostly I’m a fake and it’s time to stop.
I’ve been in a bit of a funk recently. But tonight Dan and I watched an Anthony Bourdain episode on Manila.
I need to be reminded, sadly, of just how easy a life I have, I guess. I’m so humbled by what people there have had to do: leaving home, including leaving children, in order to make enough money to support a family. Living away from a home they love for the majority of their lives. Living with so little. But so many smiles. So much love.
It’s been interesting to be Facebook Free for a short while. I know, though, that I’ll be going back. I guess Facebook just has me in its grip.
Truth be told, I’m going back for some not-so-fun reasons, especially this first one: a friend just recently announced she has cancer. So far she doesn’t have all the info she needs, as they are having to figure things out, but I want to be able to keep up to date with her. In addition, I feel the need to know more about my work situation and I’m hoping to connect with colleagues on the “Freeway Philharmonic” page about that.
Plus, I know there are some that tell me they want to see my flower photos. And I like to share them. Since people are so very hesitant (i.e. they simply won’t do it!) to check out my photography site, I guess I really do want to be able to share “my” flowers. (Not really mine, right?)
Meanwhile … I want to be careful to disconnect for a wee bit longer, just to say I did it. Perhaps a week will do. (Will I really last that long?!)
And now it’s time for my walk. Ever since Covid began I’ve found walking with a camera to be less than pleasant. It has become, in fact, rather cumbersome. I’m trying, though, to head out with the camera every so often, just so I don’t forget how to “see” through the lens. I think today might be a camera day, as it appears the wind isn’t too bad. Besides, I’ve read walking with a backpack is good for my health … a bit of extra weight. (My body sure doesn’t need extra weight, though: Covid has caused added pounds … and don’t you love how we blame Covid on any issues we now have? Such a good excuse for over eating! Argh!
Since I’m using this blog now (Will it last? Who knows?! No one reads it, so there’s that.) Have a flower … one I’ll share elsewhere as well.
I just realized I had a few followers here, none of whom I recognized. One, though, had the word “knife” in her blog name, so I thought perhaps it was an oboe player. (Yes, it’s a stretch, but I’m good at stretching.)
OH DEAR.
I clicked on the blog. It was a bunch of nude photos.
Hah! I realize there is no one reading who COULD ask. I’m just being silly.
But I need a place to write, now that I’ve deactivated Facebook for a while. I’m guessing I’ll end up back there — I miss some friends that I ONLY see there. But it’s a good break to take, I think. I’ve wondered if I should take a break from Twitter as well. I really don’t know that these things are healthy places to be. Instagram is really sort of a “nothing” place: I don’t actually connect with anyone there. I just post my photos.
Speaking of photos … I do wonder if I’m wasting time making them. I have a few friends who sometimes say, “I’m going to buy something from you!” But they actually never do. I wonder if I’m supposed to interpret what they say as, “I really would like you to give me something!” Dunno.
BUT .., mostly I’m here to vent about ME. About my stupid behavior. About my inability to keep my mouth shut (or fingers still, when it comes to email). Why must I tell someone something that she didn’t really need to know? Why do I open my big mouth? I find me rather despicable, to be honest. Maybe this is why I’m happiest when I’m in hermit mode and don’t contact anyone. At least then I can’t do something I later despise!
Oh what a sad, sad week that was. Our Capitol invaded. So many in Congress failing to stand up for what is right. What have we become? Or have we been this way all along and only now is the truth becoming more obvious? I wonder.
Even people who share the same faith I have have horrified me by things they write. I think that’s what cuts the deepest. I don’t know what to do with this. So I’m pondering and puzzling and aching. All at the same time.
I wonder why I choose friends that make me feel do very bad about myself. I suspect it’s because, deep down (or not that deep) I know I don’t deserve to feel good about myself. I know I’m a pretty rotten person. I know my heart. I’ve done such awful things and thought even worse things. But still, I wonder about these friends who cause me to know just how awful I am.
I think, right now, I need a cheerleader. I don’t know any of those folks, it seems.
Update: right after posting this pathetic thing someone sent me a message that was tremendously encouraging. (Hm. Do people actually read this? Was that what he was responding to? Eek! I thought no one read this little blog.) Anyway, if you DO read this, Dave, I apologize for being such a baby, but thank you for your extremely kind words.
I’ve been pondering forgiveness recently. I haven’t figure it out completely yet, it seems! For instance, do you forgive someone who has never asked for forgiveness? If they don’t believe they have wronged me — or don’t know I know they have — do I forgive them? It seems the forgiveness, then is more for me than them … but maybe I’m wrong about that. I know if someone asks and then repeats the offense again and again I’m still called to forgive (70 times 7, right?). That’s quite the challenge!
But sometimes a person (or persons) has done something tremendously harmful (even life changing for me) and they have absolutely no clue I know about it. I don’t want to bring it up with them because, honestly, I just think it’s not helpful at all. But do I forgive the offender(s)?
What a sad post I wrote. Then I went on a walk. I’m feeling better now. I need to get over myself!
This journal is also rather unnecessary (no one sees it but me as far as I know), but maybe good for me so I see just how much I whine!
And I typed “how much I wine” first … hm. But today is a non-drinking night, so no wine today (or tomorrow). We are making sure we don’t drink alcohol every night, especially during Covid Times. It’s too easy to fall into a drinking trap, I think. (But I must say, I can now only have one drink and I’m DONE … my body just doesn’t like more most days.)
Today it’s hitting me: while the vaccine is out for some, it’s not for me for a number of months. Nothing will change in my life for quite some time. I’m still home. I still can’t travel. I have to wear a mask when I go out. And I’m just weary.
In addition, I’m still struggling with the idea of what being a friend means. When someone says or does something tremendously harsh and ends with “I love you,” I simply don’t know how to process that. Currently I’m just feeling somewhat betrayed.
But life goes on. For now at least. Honestly, I’m rather ready for death. I’ve done all I need to do: my kids are raised and are doing well on their own. I’m married to someone so very independent I know he’ll be absolutely fine without me. There truly is no one who needs me at all.
Then again, I want to travel! It’s rather difficult to do that when one is ashes!
So … well … okay … never mind about that death bit for now. Guess I’ll try to do my best to stay healthy and be patient for my vaccine moment(s).
